Where do we go? Where should we go? What else can we do? Everybody asks questions like these very often. Life is a very treacherous sea to navigate sometimes. But so it must be. All species are creatures of habit, and a life of comfort and familiarity provides safety and security, But how much of that is too much? There's a reason why one of the world's best-known board games is called Risk. In many ways life is a game itself, and rather than take perpetual refuge in our comfort zones, often we have to give a gallant roll of the dice.
And not just for professional or leisure reasons either. More fundamentally, we need to keep track of our values, characteristics and ethics, and this is where my angle comes in. I've been in a very reflective mood recently, re-examining various personal experiences and errors from the last few years, and that's proven obviously confronting, but educational.
I doubt anyone would call me an objective or impartial person. God knows I've tried hard to be both, but the opposites of both those traits are really just in my blood. I'm notoriously stubborn also, but I consider that both a pro and a con depending on the context, and how I show it. And most significantly, many of my feelings towards things aimed at women and girls (this is also in my blood and even my neurology, as we Aspies have been described as having an "extreme male brain"*) especially need work.
But I really don't know how to overcome any of these flaws. What will it take? A near-death experience? A falling out with literally all my family and friends? Or should I just keep looking long and hard at myself?
Let me assure you all, though: I'm not trying to make any of you solve any of this for me, and I don't hate myself.I just can't let any of this fester in my head. And maybe by publicising it, somebody else may learn they're not alone.
However, as glum as I may seem here, I'm becoming more self-confident through all my social activities. At the gym yesterday I found myself somehow thinking of all these issues and a few people I hate, and somehow it occurred to me: if I could survive twelve years of bullying at school, and then six of punishing study throughout uni, why can't I at least control these personal flaws to become a better man? The key, I feel, is to never forget about them.
I do want to change. I don't want to change completely, but I want, and have, to change these shortcomings I've just discusses. And hopefully if I do change in those ways, the world will improve with me: no more inequality or war et cetera (crazily idealistic though that may make me seem). Who will I be, even next year? Where will we be then? I have my aims and hopes for both, but no answers. Yet I firmly believe, passive or lazy though it may sound, sometimes you should just let life take its path.
* https://iancommunity.org/cs/understanding_research/extreme_male_brain
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