They're still in my head.

You may recall last December I posted an entry about how I severely bullied several of my classmates at school. I wrote that to try to exorcise some of my longest-buried demons, and I thought it would work. Well, perhaps unsurprisingly, it didn't. I've still reflected on those memories just as repeatedly and painfully ever since.

I know what the most obvious way of banishing them would be - discussing them verbally - but I simply don't want to do that, at least not publicly. I can't help but fear that would only draw more attention to them, even if I definitely deserve punishment for them. It could also re-open the wounds for the other parties, if they indeed still have them. I'm now on good terms with those people, and I obviously want that to continue.

They have since forgiven me for what I did and said to them, but nonetheless I really struggle to forgive myself for all of that, particularly how I treated one of them. Actually, I don't know if I ever will truly forgive myself. I imagine you might be thinking if they could let it all go, so should I, but I can only wish it were that easy, even after 16-odd years.

I'm legitimately fighting tears back as I sit here writing this entry. Not simply for my former classmates (and friends), but because I've remembered how hypocritically I treated them. They hadn't bullied me, but loads of other kids had beforehand and it was horrific. But rather than drone on and become even more manipulative, let me close here on a perhaps optimistic note: I think this entry may actually be more cathartic and helpful for me now than the December one.