Let me try to guide you through a crazy jungle. Not one with endless rain, mud everywhere, poisonous wildlife or indigenous tribes wary of outsiders, mind you. One slightly closer to home: Australian politics in 2017.
Its floor (both parliamentary and metaphorical) consists of numerous plotters on both sides who've orchestrated four changes of prime minister this decade; one of which saw a previous one returned to that office. Another referred to her backstabbers as faceless men. Here, they'll be faceless snakes, slithering with stealth to make their kill. At this rate, if that continues Australia will soon have as many living former PMs as koalas left in the wild (we currently have seven).
Its understory is two of those former PMs, who've stopped at nothing ever since being deposed to publicly undermine their successors, like apes in a tree fighting for a bunch of bananas. Well, like your leaderships terms, those bananas have expired. Move the fuck on.
And at the canopy: all these MPs embroiled either in dual citizenship or political donation scandals. You're meant to sell policies, you idiots, not newspapers! Barnaby Joyce, who's been revealed to have dual citizenship with New Zealand, has now withdrawn from parliament which is bittersweet because we now have a hung parliament, and Employment Minister Michaelia Cash, doing her best impression of an Easter Island statue, has fronted up this week to two days of hearings about her totally un-ironic involvement with donations against the Australian Workers Union. Need I continue?
In any case, I apologise. To any animals who may have found this offensive, I mean.
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